#im not taking this off until i have to and im not ashamed to admit it

[piningpercussionist]

Oh I totally forgot to post about this here I'm pretty sure but

Best mom ever (continued)

[rafeandonlyrafe]

unashamed

words: 1k

warnings: 18+ only, smut, p in v sex, tit play, protected (woo!) sex, mentions of semi public sex

you flop down on the sunbed next to rafe, propping your head on your hand as you stare at him. 

you start at his chest before dropping lower to the swimsuit that's tantalizingly low on his hips. it's a chore to drag your eyes away, up to his face.

you admire his cheekbones first, slightly shining in the bright sun before you move to his lips, pink and pouty, the bottom one just waiting to be kissed.

you follow the slope of his nose up to where sunglasses cover his eyes, reflecting the gentle lapping of the water.

“you know im not asleep under these shades right?” rafe says.

“oh, ive grown long past being ashamed of admiring you.” you giggle, sitting up in your lounge chair, pressing your breasts together with your arms, knowing it'll entice rafe away from his relaxation. 

“don't you think you need to get out of the sun for a bit? you're looking hot.” 

“you drive me crazy.” rafe removes his sunglasses and tossed them to the sand, a smirk stretching across his face.

“come on.” he stands up swiftly, like he can't wait a moment longer, extending his hand down to yours, which you eagerly take.

rafe practically pulls you inside and up to his bedroom, your bodies immediately melding into one the moment the door locks shut.

“i want you so bad.” you whimper against rafes lip, not giving him time to respond as you kiss and suck at his bottom lip, running your tongue across it, desperate to taste more of him.

“yeah, baby.” rafe chuckles, pushing your hips back, forcing you away from him. “you make it real obvious.”

you just smile as you lie back on the bed. none of rafes quips affect you anymore, and the combination of the perfect weather outside and rafe climbing onto the bed on top of you makes a smile stretch to your cheeks. nothing could ruin this moment.

rafe kisses your lips, but pulls away before you can deepen it, mouth coming to your neck, gliding down your chest to the swell of your breast.

you know rafe likes to do it himself, but you have no patience, arching your back and pulling the ties of your swimsuit apart so the cups fall away from your chest.

rafe tsks, his displeasure only evident for a second as he mouth latches around your nipple.

you let out a moan, hands coming to his hair, needing the physical connection to him as he tongues and plays with your chest before switching to the other nipple, long strokes of his tongue coaxing it to peak hardness.

rafe moves back up to your lips, letting you kiss him and hold his face as he rearranges your body so his hips can slot in-between yours.

you instantly begin to grind against him, feeling the hard length concealed beneath his swimsuit bottoms.

“just insatiable.” rafe laughs, moving away from you only for a moment to grab a condom from where a whole pack is thrown on the nightstand, ready to use. 

you loosen your legs around rafes hips, allowing him to tug down his swimsuits, cock rising to stand tall and ready. he slips the condom out of the foil and wraps it down his length while you undo the ties on your bikini bottoms to get them off too.

“after this…” rafe trails off, losing his train of thought as you wrap your legs around his hips and tug him closer again, no clothing interrupting your grinding this time.

“after this what?” you giggle when rafe gives you a look, one that's slightly sheepish and won't admit that he completely forgot where he was going with the sentence.

“hm?” you goad him on as the head of his cock rubs between your thighs, teasing at your clit before running over it as well.

“boat.” rafe finally says. “we should go out on the boat.”

“you just wanna see me in a bikini for longer.” you laugh, the noise making rafes eyes shine in admiration. he never thought he'd like a sound so much until he heard your laugh.

“yes.” rafe nods, and as he sees you open your mouth for another quip back, he sinks his cock into you. “ive grown past being ashamed of admiring you.”

you let out a moan, head falling back against the pillows as he echoes your words from earlier back to you.

rafe wastes no time in building up a fast rhythm. despite the little foreplay, you're both desperate for each other. your bodies calling out constantly for the others touch.

you let rafe continue thrusting into you until you can't help it any longer, wanting to show him pleasure back, so you put all your weight and strength into flipping over so you're on top, his cock not leaving you the entire time.

“oh fuck, baby.” rafe grunts out, his hands coming to cup your tits as you begin to bounce on his cock, hips swirling and pumping as fast as your legs will allow.

“im- shit.” rafe tries to grab at your hips, to hold you tight and get you to slow down, but you overpower him, wanting to make him cum now.

“come on, baby.” you moan out. “give it to me, i want it.”

rafe gives up on trying to last, pumping his hips up into you as he lets out a moan, your name tumbling out of his lips as he cums.

you bend forward, hips gyrating slowly as he works through his orgasm. your chests press together as you watch rafes face, his mouth ajar and wet from kisses, his blue eyes glazed over in pleasure.

you can tell in his expression when he snaps back to reality.

“fuck.” he chuckles as you climb off, running his hands through his hair as he blinks rapidly, before looking for you.

“wait-” rafe grabs your wrist, trying to stop you from getting your swimsuit back on.

“hm?” you ask, shaking his loose grip off to continue tying the strings back together.

“what about you?” 

you just smile and toss rafes swim trunks at him. “you can finish me off on the boat.”

you've never seen rafe move faster.

[halfbloodfics]

Gentle dom! snape headcanons

Hi im procastinating the number of requests in my inboxes so until I get around to them, have another headcanon post to tie you over.

warnings: NSFW, smutty, minors DNI, mentions of kinks

I've written quite a bit of sub!snape fics that now I'm starting to miss dom!snape.

I'd like to preface this by saying that these are obviously just headcanons. Personally, I think severus is likely very sexually reserved, due to both trauma and honestly, isolation. I don't see him as being this overtly sexual person, as everything within him from canon, in books and the movies, shows him as very conservative and reserved. His clothing, his skills in occlumency, his facial expressions... everything about himself is very, reserved and controlled.

So I find that important to preface this by saying, that anything specifically kinky, especially dominant, would take a lot of time and patience coming from sev. I think at first, sex would definitely be more gentle, passionate, loving thing, if not a tad bit submissive.

However after awhile, once he becomes more comfortable, I can see him beginning to get more confident with his sexuality and more sure in the fac that you really want him. I can see his nerves slowly fading away into that kind of repressed longing and desire that he's denied himself for so long. I can also see him enjoying this because his whole life, he was so powerless. I mean, constantly being used as a pawn in a game that was bigger than him, obeying a different master.. I think it would be nice to be the one with the control for once.

Also this is specifically for gentle dom! snape, so there will be another one for hard dom! snape. Anyways enough yappin, here are the headcanons.

~

The first time he doms

I need to write a fic on this tbh, but I imagine it starts off by him relising how much you actually need him

The concept of you, needing him; of someone needing him that way, craving him?? Insane. he craves it. he wants it. he wants to hear it. see it.

I think something would have to happen for him to really realise this, either you admitting that you've masterbated to him... or maybe even him accidentaly catching you in the act.. Picturing/seeing you touching yourself, you wishing it was him, moaning his name, drives him wild

Something switches in him, where as before he might be flustered, embarassed, even ashamed. now he simply stands there.. watching, still... until he moves approaches

Then I imagine he's asking you if you were thinking about him.. and then specifically what you were thinking of...

And then he gives you exactly what you were asking for.. Or tells you to keep going while he watches

Once he's more comfortable... here are my headcanons about

Kissing

When he's in a dom mode, making it just does something to him. I mean in general, any sort of touch does something to him; but french kissing, hearing you moan into the kiss?? Gripping the back of your head?? Your throat?? That man kisses you like he's drowning.

Kinks

Names: I think, as a gentle dom, he wouldn't like to be called any names other than his name. I think the big part for him, is that much needed ego boost that you need HIM

I think he's very big on you saying his name, making you say it again and again, asking you who you belong to, who's making you feel that good, etc

Speed? I think it's usually a steady pace, depending on the day and what you need/want. I don't think he's afraid of going fast or rough, but not slapping, choking, or heavy degrading.

Bondage: I think he would however, be into being on top of you, pinning you down with his body in some way. Restraining you, with himself. Perhaps sometimes, using something to tie you up or tie your hands behind your back, but for the most part I imagine he likes using his hands, holding your wrists behind your back, pinning them above your head, beside your head, pinning your hips down to stop you from squirming, that sorta thang

Praise: especially as gentle dom, he loves to praise you. I don't imagine he's very vocal, but I do imagine he talks you through it. Praising you as you take him, as you orgasm. I don't think as a gentle dom, he would be interested in degrading you

Begging: slight begging, I think he more so wants to take care of you as a gentle dom, make you feel good. I think he'd find it attractive, once again as an ego and control thing, that you're begging for him, but I think he'd give in quite easily as a gentle dom

Idk what this is called but instructing you how to masterbate? Him sitting on the edge of the bed, or standing across the room... Telling you exactly how fast to go, how many fingers to use, how to touch yourself etc.

Positions

Missionary: gentle dom sev LOVES missionary and you can't convince me otherwise. He still gets all the fun parts of being dom, being on top of you, being able to pin you down, but he also gets to see ALL of you.. Your reactions, your body, your eyes

Doggy: I think this is more for hard dom snape tbh, which is a whole other post of its own. But I really, truly think he'd love this one. Pinning your shoulders down, leaning over you, taking you from the back... Or pinning your wrists behind your back while he yk.. Gripping your chin, whispering praise in your ear.. Yeah

Spooning: I also think he's like this one, especially as a gentle dom, cause it's still dominant for him, but you also both get to be comfy and in bed. And he gets to wrap his arms around you, hold you. It's romantic, dominant, gentle, all in one

Oral: As a gentle dom, I can see him liking recieving oral more than him being a switch. I still think he prefers to give, but I imagine that he likes to have you on your knees, his hand in your hair, just gently guiding your movements, praising you the entire time

Misc

Clothing: I think he loves being clothed while you're naked, not only does it make him more comfortable, he also gets to see all of you and it kinda adds to the power vibe. However, seeing you in any type of slightly revealing clothing does something to him. Even if it's just a little tight, or if your shirt is a little low.. He's spent his entire life ruling with an iron fist over his emotions and now somehow its crumbling all because of a damn scoop neck t-shirt. Mans could fight voldemort but not the power of tiddies. Also really loves nightgowns.

Moans: He loves hearing you. any type of sounds at all, even the slightest gasp to you crying out for him. It makes him want to hear more. especially if you're moaning his name. I don't imagine he moans much, more so small grunts and groans

He's a boob guy. For sure. That's it.

Aftercare: He is very, set on aftercare. Always. Especially after he has been dom. Even if he hasn't been rough, he knows aftercare is important. Brings you water, makes sure you drink it. Makes sure you use the washroom after. Holds you, praises you.

And i think thats it, for now, though I'll probably come up with more eventually.

Cheerio

xx

[moth-bells]

I dont think I can ever call myself a hater of any mh character. Im their number 1 defenders in all equal measure (yes, including alex I will get toxic in how I defend him /lh) Like my thoughts will never have to make sense to anyone im sure, i live in my bubble and I am happy (/silly) Legit, though, I love the mh boys. I love them and how fucked up they all are in their own ways, and how all of them have REASONS to be fucked up. Note, everything I say is mostly headcannon from taking things from the way characters act and what info we do have. And you can tell who my ultimate faves are, I am not ashamed of this skjfd /lh Tim is schizophrenic (potentially, I like to think he is) with severe childhood trauma (I mean he was fucking institutionalized and abandoned by his mother there, I'm sorry but theres no getting out of that mentally intact). He obviously doesnt have an easy time socializing. Brian is his first friend ever (and it seems like they meet in college, since Tim doesnt know Brian's friends). Hes been affected by the operator his whole life, though its easy to write it off as his mental illness and ignore it despite how awful it still is. He can't catch a fucking break, at all, ever. I imagine he probably has abandonment issues from childhood, which has led to not seeking out close friendships or relationships. Thats likely *why* Brian is his first friend, as Brian seems like someone who would happily push until he broke that carefully built-up barrier to keep others out. And once he *finally* has friends, people who care about them? Now theyre all dead and hes left to stand in the wreckage. We know even from his medical records that he is ALREADY suicidal by age 6, WITH a suicide plan and access to said plan when hes admitted. Its not hard to imagine that those suicidal thoughts have followed him his whole life and *after* MH as well. His little 'everything is fine' at the end feels like a lie. Hes lying. Everything is NOT fine, but he doesnt need another Jay Merrick to watch these videos and come looking for him. He doesnt need *more* people dying because of *him*. Because they *met* him.

Brian is just as tragic to me as Tim is. Tim has years of experiencing his anhedonia (which can cause emotional bluntness, or a disconnect of his emotions), and this can make it easier to move on from upsetting events. Brian, on the other hand, does not have any shown or hinted at mental issues before the events in 2006. Hes a well-adjusted guy as far as we can tell. Kind, a little goofy, certainly seems to get along well with others. Hes a GOOD person, who cares about his friends, and hes sticking with them even when he *knows* something is wrong. He trusts Alex so much before he's practically fed to the operator by him. From the START, hes affected by lying. Alex lying to him about where they're going, that everything is fine. And Brian pays the price for trusting him. And I *do* understand Tim never revealed his medical history. Tim has said he doesnt remember what the hallucinations he had as a kid were. Hes a diagnosed schizophrenic man in the 2000s. Mental health was not very well understood and accepted. "But Brian was a psychology major, he'd understand more than anyone!" and I return to the fact that Tim was institutionalized at a young age. This man does not have a good relationship with anyone in that field. Trauma is a reality for him, it just is. But at the same time, Brian is *broken* by what the operator did to him. He is *tired* of being lied to. So when he finds Tim's medical records he is *furious*. We know they have a falling out because Brian has been lied to and lied to and *no one* seems to care! But he doesnt hate Tim. I think after their falling out he *wants* to hate Tim. I mean he takes his meds, to *purposely* cause a seizure. He forces it to happen, sits and watches from the closest as his best friend shakes and seizes on the floor and then *sobs* after he comes out of it. He does this with little care to Tim's well being. He doesnt care right now, because its an means to an end. But he cant hate Tim. No matter what, he cant make himself hate Tim. He, as mentioned above, *CAN* understand mental health issues more than anyone in their friend group could have. He'd understand, no matter how much he wants to make himself ignore it, that Tim lied to keep himself from losing his only friends ever. Even though he wants to hate Tim, he just cant. Hes upset with him, but even towards the end that's almost faded. He *is* manipulating Tim somewhat, using his meds as a means to get Tim on his side, but Brian is *not* okay mentally. He thinks in code and binary and hes *not* well. In his mind, the only way to get Tim close enough to even *try* and explain things to him is to *make* him. I really think after Brian left his last message, his name in the code, he KNEW Tim would never have cared to decode it. Tim isn't Jay. He doesn't care about any of this. He has no reason to. Jay was obsessive to find answers and Tim wants it to end no matter what. I mean Brian knows Tim doesnt trust him and has NO reason to. Tim is convinced that Brian got Jay killed. Even if Brian didnt do it intentionally he *did* lead Jay to his death by letting him go. I'm sure he did so to keep Alex from coming and killing Jay while he was vulnerable. But, we know how that ends. And Tim is off his meds. He sees a murderer and he isnt gonna care what that murderer says, so Brian bribes him with his medication. And even to the end, he doesnt want to hurt Tim, so he jumps. (rant being continued in next reblog trust i maxed out tumblrs character count....sorry........./silly)

[chrispotatos]

Pay attention- chris sturniolo

Dad!chris

warning: angst (if you squint), fluff.

summary: your son gets hurt when you were off doing something else and chris gets mad at you.

A/n: it gets harder to think of a title everyday

2:30 pm

it was the afternoon and i was on the couch, delicately painting my nails; a shade of pale pink. it was a rare moment of relaxation while also oddly quiet. around this time my son ryder finds somewhere to take a nap so it wasn't too unsettling.

that was up until i hear a thud and a startling cry come from the kitchen. my head snaps up and i drop the nail polish rushing into the kitchen, where i found my son ryder lying on the tiled floor crying.

next to him was a empty cup and i was trying to make sense of what just happend but couldn't.

"oh sweetie, are you ok?" my voice trembled in worry. i knealt down beside him scooping the 4yr old into my arms, his tiny legs straddling my lap and he cried into my shoulder.

"im gonna text daddy okay?" i reassure him, rubbing his back.

i carry him back to the couch where my phone was. i send chris a text explaining everything that happend. and he was now on his way home.

"how'd this happen ryder?" i questioned, rubbing his back to soothe him. it hushed his crys for the most part. but he was still sniffling and hiccuping, trying to calm down from all the pain he endured from the fall.

"i wanted to get you water.." he confessed and that made me feel more guilt then i already did.

"but why baby?"

"i wanted to supwise you" he sniffled lifting his head off my shoulder to look at me. i place a kiss on his forehead nodding my head, understanding the small gesture he tried to perform for me and failed.

I lay him down on the couch and put his head against a small throw pillow that was on the sofa then putting on his favorite movie to make him feel a bit better.

--

3:08 pm

the front door opens in a swift movement and slams shut.

"what happend? is he alright?" chris' voice sharp with worry, he made his way over to the couch kneeling infront of where our son was laying, brushing some hair out of his face.

"he slipped trying to get water for me" i explained my eyes pleading for him to understand. "im sorry, i know i should've been watching him closely"

Chris furrowed his eyebrows as he lifted ryder up into his arms, checking him for any marks.

"he could've seriously hurt himself" he muttered in a accusing tone.

my shoulders slump guilt washing over me all over again. I was distracted and caught up doing my own thing so much so that i was unaware of the danger unfolding just a room away.

chris laid the 4yr old back onto the couch letting the boy engross himself back into the movie he was watching.

"what were you doing anyway?" he questioned me, crossing his arms.

"my nails.." i admit unable to meet his gaze. "really" he scoffed.

"do you not care about him enough to just watch him. you can't just 'get distracted'. " his voice starts to raise "cause what would you have done if something worse happened"

"i know it was bad. imagine how i felt having to see him laid out on the ground.. in pain- it fucking killed me" my voice cracked, and my breath hitched in my throat, that's when tears started falling from my eyes. chris just narrow his eyes at me, shaking his head in disbelief.

i get off the couch and walk to our shared room, ashamed of myself and what happend to ryder made me feel like a terrible mother.

--

5:56 pm

i was laying in bed, watching tv still feeling anxious about the small argument me and chris shared earlier. my sadness and worry subsided to exhaustion.

i hear a small knock on the door, my eyes go follow where the noise came from and are met with chris' figure standing in the door frame.

he enters the room "can i talk to you?" he asked softly, approching the bed and sitting.

to that i sit up from my laying position and prop myself up against the pillows.

"i wanted to apologize for yelling at you" he started off. sighing, looking to my face searching for any emotions that might show how i was feeling.

"and i know you love him just as much as me. but in that moment i was scared and i was just mad at you and I'm sorry for that." he added

i took a deep understanding to his words and where he was coming from. to be fair i would have reacted the same way

"I'm sorry too, i should've been watching him." i mumbled.

"it's okay" chris reaches his arms out and wraps them around me. I lean into him, feeling the warmth and comfort of his embrace.

"you're a great mom y/n dont let this one incidentmake you think otherwise. and I'm sure ryder agrees" he rubs my back soothingly as steady reassurance, giving me a kiss on my head. we stay like this for a while, wrapped in eachothers arms finding solace in the simple act of being together.

"i ordered pizza. you want some?" the random question made a giggle fall from my lips. "I would love some pizza"

I pull away from the hug and place a kiss on his lips the action being reciprocated, and now we were off to the kitchen.

[danvazini]

heyyyy im a silence reader (always voting for your posts tho !!) I love your wooork so much, you were the first writer I followed on here, thank you for your love for the katseye girlies !!

also idk if you're taking requests rn but can i suggest a marz one where one day Lara sees Manon and Sophie make out by accident, and it makes her see Manon in a different light so she starts avoiding her bc she's scared of what she's feeling and like a week later or something Manon is sick of Lara ignoring her so she enters the bathroom while lara is taking a shower and confronts her about it (since it's the only place Lara can't escape from), Lara clumsily puts her towel on and confess ashamed but like Manon reassures her and kisses her bc she also has feelings for her and like they fuck in the bathroom right after

ps: if you don't like the prompt it's fine I'm not good at it sorry 😭 but can we pls have another hot/smut marz one, we are in a drought :((

pairing ≫ lara rajagopalan x meret manon (ft. sophie)

content warnings ≫ cheating , bathroom sex , slight angst , lara's crushing , established relationship (situationship/fwb) , getting caught , cunnilingus , slight argument but also toxicity? ,, etc maybe?

word count ≫ over 2.7k

author talks ≫ firstly would like to say merry christmas/happy holidays to those who don’t celebrate! i hope you’re all safe and doing well — now with the fic i wanna say i did go a little off plot but its still with the plot for the most part. — btw you did fine don’t worry i rlly enjoyed writing this!!

—

it was a dark snowy night in their city, tempatures dropping to about -1 degrees celcius, so much snow on the floor that even the roofs were covered on every inch, the build up of sniow was honestly surprising.

the girls of katseye gathered in their living room, it was christmas eve and although they all come from different parts of the worls and celebrate different holidays and celebrate christams differently, they managed a way to celebrate it all the same.

sophie and lara were missing, once again inside of the kitchen, making dinner for the girls. lara would peak out sometimes, looking at the brunette girl who she had been crushing on for the last seven months easy, or that's when lara really realized she liked her.

lara also knew of manon's "friend", sophie. lara never had a problem with the woman, why would she?

oh, because she's fucking manon.

lara always kept the fact it bothered her to herself, but while they were cooking and something was almost burning under lara's care, sophia had to ask her after she fixed the situation. "daniela?" sophia called out and daniela left from where she was, coming over to the pair.

"mhm?" she answered, "could you watch this stuff please? we need to talk" sophia said, pointing between her and lara, and daniela nodded. sophia grabbed lara's hand and they ran off to another room, not wanting to have that converation in front of the others.

"what's been going on? you've been so discombobulated" sophia said, her facial expressions following as she spoke, "it's just.." lara said, trailing off trying not to say what the actual problem was but sophia could easily read that girl like a book.

"its sophie" sophia said, her voice flat, but not like emotionless, lara looked at the black haired woman, "what..? no?" lara tried lying but sophia just looked at her until she admitted, "okay, yeah, sophie" lara said, she took a deep breath after saying this.

"but, why?" sophia wasn't all too confused, her and lara talked often, but this was something she never really got information on. "why are you like this over sophie? did she do something? do i need to kick her out?" sophia asked but lara shook her head "no no, its nothing. just, please?"

sophia nodded, "lets finish cooking then, i'm sure the girls are hungry" and lara smiled, "yeah" as the pair walked down the hallway, lara had to break off to grab something from her room, while she searched, she remembered that she gave it to daniela.

lara ran to the front asking daniela for it and she said it was in the room, lara wasn't paying much attention to anything around her, she just wanted to make sure she got what she needed. lara just casually opened the door like she would every other time.

but stopped dead in her tracks, she saw manon and sophie, kissing. manon's shirt was off, and sophie's pants were missing, sophie was on top of manon with her hands moving all over her body. lara quickly shut the door, her heart both racing but it also dropped.

she went to her room, holding back her tears while "looking" for something, but she really wasn't, she wanted to distract herself because megan was in the room now, "woah woah" megan said when she saw lara, "what happened?"

megan looked so worried and it made lara feel bad, "i just, got something in my eye" lara said, smiling while a tear trinkled down her cheek, "l-let me see, do you need eye drops?" megan asked, her voice starting to panick a bit.

"no no no no, i'm good megan, thank you" lara said, holding her hand to prevent the ginger girl from running away, "are you sure? it's no issue really" megan said but lara stayed content wit her answer and megan let it go.

lara and megan walked from their bedroom, to the places in the house they just were. sophia succefully distracted lara while they cooked, they were playing and laughing a lot, even making references to lara's old cooking/baking channel.

slowly the night began to turn into early morning, it was already 2am and yoonchae was dozing off, "yoonchae?" sophia said to her younger while the brown haired girl's head was resting on her lap, "mm?" she could only reply, too tired to form words.

"megan?" lara tapped her roommate, "hm?" megan looked up from the puzzle she was doing, "could you take yoonchae upstairs?" and the ginger woman nodded, taking yoonchae and guiding the young girl upstairs.

manon and sophie had been downstairs for a while now, lara rolling her eyes each time she looked over at the couple, it wasn't like she hated them but the having to act nonchalant was her only other way to cope with this.

it was almost three when sophie announced she'd be leaving, all the girl's gave sophie a hug while lara left to the kitchen, before sophie left she came up to lara, "g'night" sophie said and hugged her and lara could feel herself physically cringe at this.

"yea, goodnight" lara said, hugging sophie back, happy once she finally broke off of her. manon walked sophie to her car and they stayed out there for a bit, lara catching them sharing another kiss before sophie drove off.

something about that sight made lara feel sick to her stomach, and right when lara was about to sleep, she saw a message in the groupchat with their staff, saying they have a video to record for youtube for their fans to see.

lara shut off her phone, sighing because she couldn't stand being around manon right now but it's for the cameras.

the nex morning came, sophia calling for a house meeting to make sure everyone knows about the scheduele. normally when house meetin were called, the girls would gatherup, megan and daniela sittting together, yonchae and sophia and of course lara and manon, but lara stood beside the leader instead of sitting by manon.

this didn't really strike manon as weird behaviour, but still she took note of this, it wasn't until they were on set for the video when she saw how weird lara was acting towards her. lara was the last on set because she finished getting ready later than the rest of the girls.

lara would be so talkative with everyone but manon, she would be physical with everyone but manon when there were no cameras on them but right when she noticed that red light on the cameras she was all over manon like she would be normally.

this had been going on for so long, manon got tired of it, lara had avoided her off cameras for at least a month now but this was really fucking with her.

after they got home, lara rushed to the shower, wanting to rid herself after the hours of filimg, manon also following behind her. the brunette tip toed inside of lara's room, opening the bathroom before closing it behind her.

"megan?" lara said through the water running on her body, "could you grab my hair mask?" lara asked, and manon grabbed, but got undressed first, lara had her eyes closed while she ran water through her red hair.

manon handed the mask to her while sneaking inside, "lara.." manon said and it made the red haired woma freeze in her actions, looking at manon, "h-hey" manon stared at the redhead for a bit, "why have you been ignoring me?" manon asked but lara just sighed, "not here manon"

manon's eyebrows furrowed, "what do you mean not now?" and lara sighed again, "let me shower in peace" she answered, her voice emotionless. "manon clenched her jaw before swallowing, "fine" she got out of the shower, collecting her clothes and sitting on lara's bed until she was out.

megan was inside of the room when manon walked out, her hair was slightly wet, "hey? do you need the hair dryer, or a wtowel?" megan offered but manon shook her head, she lied down on lara's bed for a while, looking up at the cieiling before asking, "megan?"

"yeah?" the ginger aswered, "has lara been acting, strange, lately? like anything you've noticed?" and megan shook her head, "mno, not really. is she alright?" and manon nodded, "yeah, yeah she's fine, it's just been... odd?" and megan tilted her head, "what do you mean?"

"it's nothing megan, could you go for a bit? we need to talk" the redhead interrupted, and megan got up, walking out odf the room. lara was fresh out of the shower, her body still wrapped inside of the towel while her skin glistened, steam coming from her body like an arua.

manon looked at the woman, the anger but guilt was telling on her face. lara looked through her closet, fishing for clothes to put on while manon struggled to get her words together, "so, what? you can say it now." lara said while she was searching through the closet.

"why have you been avoiding me?" manon flat out said, making lara pause, "that's really a question?" lara said as she continue searching, "yes! you've been so weird to me lately, ever since that night sophie was here, you've been acting so different"

"you must assume every emotion i experience has something to do with you or that bitch" lara said camly which took manon by surprise, "what?" manon said, still trying to process the words that left the younger's mouth, "i mean, you're right. how would you feel if you walked in on your crush sleeping with someone"

lara said, shrugging her shoulders while she slipped on the clothes she found, manon closed her eyes and sighed, opening them to be met with lara's brown eyes, calmly rested while she waited for the brunettes response.

"why didn't you say something sooner?" manon asked, "do i have to say everything? spell it out for you? do you not feel the same?" lara asked, her voice raising towards the end, "of course you don't, you're with sophie" lara said, her voice as bitter as over brewed tea.

manon swallowed, "obviously, you have nothin to say" lara said and scoffed, walking away to the bathroom to finish drying her hair and styling it. manon followed her, "i do feel the same, lara" making the red haired woman scoff, "right, whatever you say"

manon walked closer to her and snaked her arms around the angered woman's waist, gently kissing her neck through the small space not covered by her hair. lara's head feel back against manon's shoulder, "this won't always work, you know that" lara said

"i know, but it will this time and that's all i need" manon softly whispered against lara's skin, making her tingle. "m-manon, we can't" lara tried pushing he off, her words weren't following her actions or thoughts, her body craved manon's touch and attention while her thoughts ran saying the most vulgar things.

manon sighed against lara's skin before backing off, "guess you're right", she tuned around and began walking away from the bathroom but lara grabbed her hand, turning the brunette around and pulling her into a kiss.

it started off so sweet and soft but overtime it grew more and more passionet, lara began pushing herself against manon's body, they broke off, "fuck i've missed this" lara sighed out before they pulled each other into another kiss.

lara shamelessly moaned into the kiss, manon's hands pulling the girls small waist closer against her body, while slowly pushing her on the bed. lara held manon's neck, pushing the kiss deeper, manon broke the kiss off and began kissing down lara's neck again.

lara threw her head back, allowing the older more access. lara's hips began moving on their own, rutting against manon's leg that was right where she needed her most. manon's hand traveled on their own down lara's body, her fingers and palms tracing lara's abdomen, making the younger one twitch.

"i need you.." lara whispered, low enough that only she heard it, making manon lift up, "what did you say baby?" and lara whined, thinking manon was messing with her, "no baby, repeat yourself" and lara said this time, much louder.

manon slid her hand past lara's sweats and past her panties, her fingers on her clit using one and slowly rubbing in a circle. lara whined pretty loudly, manon crashing her lips against the redhead. manon sped up her hands, slingher fingers down, now pushing two digits inside of lara, causing her to gasp.

manon broke off the kiss and began kissing down lara's body, the red haired woman failing to keep quiet while she allowed her older member to do whatever she wanted with her body. manon reached her other hand up, exposing lara's stomach, manon bit at the brown girl's flesh, making her hips buck.

manon pulled her hand from lara's pants, pulling them down to her thighs. manon made her way down to her thighs, gently caressing them before kissing them, making her way between and kissing lara's inner thighs.

lara’s breath hitched as manon’s lips touch her inner thigh, her body trembling in response to the pleasure coursing through her body. she lets out a soft whine, her legs automatically opening slightly wider for the brunette.

manon continued to pepper kisses down the girl’s inner thigh, getting dangerously closer to where she craved her the most.

she stopped once she was there, looking up into lara’s hooded eyes, manon’s hands slid between her legs, slipping two digits inside of her again.

her pace was slow but steady, lara’s body immediately responds to her touch, her breath coming out in ragged gasps as she begin to provide her with the friction she yearned for.

“m-manon..” lara moaned softly, her body arching as she feels the pleasure begin to build within her. manon would speed up then slow back down randomly, making lara’s mind wonder and turn into mush.

she felt the brunette’s soft lips against her skin, marking her and leaving hickeys. lara’s moans picked up the closer she got, making manon speed up. lara clenched around manon's fingers, the older girl now kissing at her clit, looking her in the eyes while she whimpered out that she was close.

manon went back up, now kissing lara, "i love you so much.." manon sighed against her lips before moving down. the redhead whimpered in manon's ear, "i love you... shit" before she came. manon's hands didn't slow down, she kept with that same pace, making lara be much louder than she should've.

manon pulled the redhead into a kiss while she felt the younger's body spasm under her, pulling her fingers out and gently carrasing her body. manon kissed down lara's body, cooing to her gently while lara tried catching her breath.

manon got up and grabbed a towel and some warm water to clean lara up, when she finished, lara pulled her down beside her. "you know, you didn't have to.." lara said, her voice low and shy, manon shrugged, "wanted to" she said and kissed lara again.

the pair sat in silence for a while before manon spoke, "lara?", "uh huh?" the redhead replied, "you know you didn't have to say it back, right?" and lara grabbed her cheek, "you're a loserrrrr you know?" lara said and manon chuckled, "no but, you didn't" and lara rolled her eyes before pulling the brunette into another kiss, this time the kiss had no lust but was more love.

the lips moved in sync against each other, and while this happened sopie was opening the door after getting word from megan that manon was in lara's room. she had knocked but neither girl heard it so she assumed they were busy doing things and didn't hear it.

when she opened the door she looked around and saw them, the bit her lip before closing the door, the girls saw her walking out but they didn't know what she saw, and they didn't know whether it was good or bad.

they weren't in the house and actually had just made it back home when sophie came over, manon and lara came from the room, lara was leaning against manon barely walking straight with her hair a mess. "oh..." the other four girls all said in usion, now they see why sophie ran out as fast she did.

[poisonedprose]

hii i saw that thing about you guys being ashamed about thinking of leon using a knife on you and then you said “i am even more ashamed to admit how many times ive almost written this”

please you literally need to write something like oh my god the way you write stuff is amazing and im sure that if you did write something like that it would be so good and sheet grabbing even if it’s something short 𖦹☆

₊˚✧ slice — in which leon fucks you with his knife after work

leon kennedy x afab!reader

warnings: 1k words, smut, @spideychai i know you dont read much smut but it only felt right to tag you, inspired by this post, pet names (princess, love, good girl, slut), curse words, pwp, kinda ooc, bit of sadism, bit of dacryphilia, bondage, leons a tiny but drunk, (bloody) knife obvi, mentions of killing, sir kink

masterlists

Leon had a habit of taking his pent up anger and stress out on you. He would fuck you dumb with his fingers until you were sobbing and begging for his cock to fill you up. He loved the way you bucked your hips with your wrists tied to the bedpost, just aching to feel his hard cock throb against the walls of your dripping cunt. He loved when your mind went all hazy when he shoved his whole length in your cunt without warning, chuckling sadistically at the way you almost came the second you felt his thick cock.

This time was different though. He came home from work angrier than you've ever seen him. He didn't even greet you as he walked past you, just heading straight to the fridge and pulling out an ice cold beer. He practically chugged the bottle, leaving the empty, save for a few drops, bottle on the counter before finally acknowledging you. "Bedroom. Now." He ordered and you'd be an idiot not to comply. 

He grabbed another beer before following you into the bedroom, watching your ass as you walked. You sat on the bed without having to be told, he sipped on his beer as he thought about what he wanted to do to you. The smirk on your face told you, you wouldn’t be getting off easy tonight. He stood in front of you as you sat on the bed. 

He looked down on you, his gaze was almost condescending but, fuck, his lustful eyes were too gorgeous to ignore. His gloved hand caressed your cheek, sliding down your face to hold your chin, his bottle of beer still in his other hand. He takes a sip, his gaze immediately falls back on you after he does. "You know the drill." He instructs in a raspy voice, lust mixed with alcohol was always a sexy combination for him, especially when he didn't change out of his work uniform or remove any of his gear.

You began to undress per his orders. Your clothes fall into a nice pile on the floor. You lay back on the bed, goosebumps forming on your bare skin and your nipples hardening. He gets on the bed as well, putting his beer on the nightstand. He sat on his knees as he hovered above you, one of his knees between your legs, dangerously close to your cunt. He brushes some of your hair out of your face as he lightly drags his fingers over your clit.

His fingers were slow as they caress your puffy clit. Quiet moans left your sultry lips. You waited for the moment he plunged his thick digits into your glistening hole but he never did. There was a devilish smirk on Leon's face, he was plotting something. He pulls his fingers away from your clit, dragging them up your body, leaving a trail of your slick up your body. His fingers land at your mouth, silently, he instructs you to suck. His knee replaces his fingers, pushing up into you to keep you wet for him.

You swirl your tongue around his fingers wishing it was his cock. He smiles at your obedience, pulling his fingers out of your mouth and giving you a praiseful kiss on your cheek. He was eerily quiet but the mystery was what excited you the most. He reaches to his chest, grabbing his knife out of its holster. The blade of the knife was covered in blood. Something about seeing Leon holding his knife that was probably used to kill countless enemies, even still being covered in blood, excited you and terrified you at the same time.

He wipes the blade on his dark blue shirt, the staining not very noticeable. "Open your legs, princess." His voice was softer than it was before, basically telling you there was still time to back out. You opened your legs wider with no hesitation, enjoying the switch up of the normal routine. He leans over and spits on your cunt, rubbing the liquid all over your pussy for more lubrication. 

You gasp when you feel the cold handle of his knife run between your folds. You grip the sheets between your fingers as he teases your entrance. Your hips buck and he's quick to hold your hips down with his other hand. "Leon..." You whine breathlessly to which his smirk widens. "Yes, my love? Is something wrong?" He asks cockily as he continues to tease you.

You whine again, knowing he was deliberately fucking with you but the new, foreign feeling felt too good to risk, so you just stayed quiet. "Yeah, gonna be quiet like a good girl?" He leans over and whispers in your ear, followed by kissing your neck. You nod, keeping quiet beside your moans as he finally stops teasing you and slides the handle of the knife into your soaked cunt. 

He leans back and watches your face contort in pleasure and your back arch as you shove your head into the pillow beneath you. "Oh, fuck," He chuckles lowly, his laugh full of breath. "Look at you." He praises, watching with an amused smile. "This feel good, slut? Hm?" You nod incoherently as you push yourself deeper into his knife. "Yeah, bet it does." His free hand rubs over your abdomen before his thumb starts rubbing fast circles on your clit. 

"Bet my cock would feel even better? Wouldn't it, love?" He smirks and for a split second, you actually believe he might not tease you all night as you approach your orgasm. "Yes, yes, yes!" You moan like a pornstar, embarrassingly close to your release. "That's too bad." He chuckles quietly as he stops all pleasure, removing his thumb from your clit and pulling the knife away from you. 

You whine, disappointed that he was denying your orgasm. "Be a good girl and I'll go easy on you." He promises in a sinful tone as he drags the blade of the knife across your boobs. "Got it?" He asks, still fiddling with the knife that’s being dragged all over your body. "G-Got it, sir."

‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎┊ㅤㅤ💋 ㅤㅤ ﾟㅤㅤ ┊‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎

[buzzyb33]

please please please i need some james marriott smut im starving f reader pls

Of course! James is literally my favourite of all time I’m so obsessed with him! Sorry I do try to stick to my routine though so sorry!

Prompt: you and James have been dating for around four months, you two perfect, you sweet and soft, him kind and loving. As you and James have an especially heated session you admit to him your a virgin and he promises to take care of you. 🤭

Warnings: SMUT!!!!, virgin!reader, details of sex, swearing, condom sex I guess, oral sex, pet names, praise,

James had his hand on my cheek as he kissed me, his body towering down as I was almost on my tiptoes, arms around his neck and eyes closed.

He pushed me lightly against the wall as the kiss became more lasting.

“James, James.” I say gently as he pulls away and he smiles at me warily.

We was in his room, my back against his wall.

“Yeah? Are you okay?” He responds gently.

“Yeah- yeah, I just- I want to ge something off my mental.” I breath out, still catching my breath.

He looked at me with his rosey cheeks, disheveled hair and hazel eyes.

“Course..” he murmurs as his lips go gently to my neck.

I smile as he crouches down to do so- my heart racing.

“Baby- I know you’re a pro but please be gentle- cause I’ve never done this before..” I say nervously and he pulls back to look at me.

“You’ve never had sex?”

I look down almost ashamed as heat rushes to my cheeks, shaking my head in response.

He picks my head up with his thumb in my chin and smiles.

“It’s okay- I’ll- take care of you, are you sure you want to?” He questions gently.

“I’m sure.”

He nods and pulls me onto his bed, placing me on his lap, facing him.

He gets back to work on my lips, his hands sliding up and down my waist.

I let my eyes close and my lips move with his.

“N/n- are you sure?” He asks again, his face a tone of seriousness.

“James, I’m sure.” I smile and place my hand gently on his chest.

He nods and pulls my shirt over my head.

I breath out into his mouth as he works on his own button up shirt.

He discards it to the floor and placed his calloused hand the the back of my head, tangling it with my long hair.

He pulls his mouth away and smiles at me.

I smile back with a flushed face, now chest to chest, his left hand still firmly on my waist.

He looks into my eyes and pushes my head to his, he closes his eyes as our lips touch again, just with less passion and more love.

I smile into the kiss and let my hands work on his belt, as I finish with that he flips us over so I’m underneath him.

He pulls down his jeans- his forearms either side of my head.

My pale face is a beyond colour of red, I can actually feel it in the tips of my ears.

I exhale as he kisses his way down to my thighs, gently undoing the button of my cargos and shimmying them down my thighs until my white cotton panties are on show to him.

He looks up into my eyes for consent and I nod, throwing my head back on his pillows as he removes my panties which where already damp form slick.

He groans lightly before burying his face between my thighs, the feeling phenomenal.

I instantly arch my back into his tongue as he does laps on my pussy, his nose nudging my clit.

I let out whines, my mind at bliss and more than happy that James was going to be my first time

I reach down and tug at his hair, causing his to groan into my pussy, the vibrations almost enough to send me over the edge.

“James..” I whine out, feeling myself getting closer.

His beard rubs against my thighs, sure to leave scratches.

He keeps going until my grip on his hair is deathly and my back is fully off the mattress, my whines now more high pitched and my breath more ragged.

Just as I feel myself almost tip to the edge, he pulls away, looking into my eyes as his juices lay glistening on his beard.

“Good girl..” he says as he wipes his mouth, leaning up and kissing me, I taste myself on his lips which makes me open my eyes to see him starting right back at me.

My chest tightened at that and I smiled into the kiss.

I can see how hard he is through his boxers, a spot of pre-cum soaking into the fabric.

As he goes back to his first position with his forearms on either side of my head I sit up slightly and he meets my eyes, I lean down to remove his boxers his cock springing free.

He can clearly see my eyes widen- he’s big, and he knows he is.

He breathe as he reaches into his nightstand drawer pulling out a condom, he lets his eyes lock with mine as he rips it with his teeth, rolling it down his length.

I maintain the eye contact with my heart racing as his top teases my entrance, he pushes in and I bite my lip back.

I exhale and wrap my arms around his neck, my legs around his waist, adjusting to his size I bite the inside of my cheek.

“You’re doing so good darling..” he murmurs as he starts to slowly thrust in and out of me, my breaths becoming more shallow and whiny.

“James..” I whine again and he keeps his slow pace, gripping the sheets as I grip the back of his neck.

“Fucking hell, n/n you feel- great..” he grunts out before I match my heavy breathing with his low groans and grunts.

He speeds up his pace and brings both of his hands to my waist, resting his forehead on my shoulder, his hips moving I a rhythm as my ankles lock at his tailbone.

I let out whimpers of pain and pleasure- a mix due to his size.

“James this is a lot-“ I mumble gently, my stomach twisting in a bit so familiar knot of pleasure.

“I know darling, you’re doing so good, I promise I’d take c- care of you and I am aren’t I?” He cuts himself off a couple times through his sentence to let out groans.

I nod my head desperately, now used the feeling it’s like pure bliss, the knot getting tighter and tighter in my stomach.

“James..” I say his name again.

“I think I’m-“ he cuts me off with a quick nod.

“Yeah- together, we can.. try hold out just a bit more..”

His pace fastens again and I grip onto him, my moans coming out louder.

“You can let go- fuck- darling it’s okay” he says as I oblige, cumming onto him as he spills into the condom, his grunts low.

He lets his head hang as he rolls off of me, pulling out and taking his condom off, tying it and putting it in the bin he rolls to his side to face me.

“You did- great n/n- I swear..” he murmurs as I bring myself to his chest.

“Do you want me to run you a bath?” He asks softly as he holds me, his boxers back up and same for my panties.

“No thank you- I’m uh, glad you was my first time.” I say the last part in a quieter tone, just enough for him to hear.

“I’m glad you trust me enough.” He kisses my forehead and let’s me hold him, nuzzling myself into his chest.

“We can have a nap then order food when we wake up, yeah?” I nod and he hums lightly.

We fall asleep tight in each others embrace.

A/n

Had me giggling and everything 🤭🤭

Three days and there should be another tobi!!

Requests are open!

Masterlist!

[babybird-keigo]

Crazily insane take but I find it kinda ironic how majority of Endeavor haters are hateful towards him for turning Touya into a villain but ignore the fact that Rei also didn’t do anything to prevent it 🤨 like neither of them were perfect parents and yes Endeavor was worse im not saying he wasn’t but I do wanna acknowledge that he did try to stop Touya from continuously destroying his body (in the most terrible way possible) meaning he did in fact care and so did Rei (obviously. She tried and got frightened).

What I want y’all to acknowledge is that neither of the Todoroki parents are perfect angels.

So many people will tell ya people can change until the person tryna change is Enji Todoroki Who has stated he doesn’t even want forgiveness and has apologised and actually shown change unlike majority of realistic people.

I don’t want to feel ashamed that I like Enji because at first I didn’t I absolutely despised this man 💀 he annoyed me and pissed me off but he changed and got better much like Bakugou who majority of y’all forgave without a second glance even though he literally told someone to kill themselves 😬 (I am also a Bakugou fan but I can admit he was a piece of shit at the beginning just like Enji) and another thing he has in common with Enji is a redemption arc and an apology to his victim(s)

I also wanna take into the account that it is most likely everything Enji has shown to do with Rei and the kids he saw/learned from his father and it is known for children who have grown around abuse to seek that type of abuse in relationships whether they’re the ones to search for an abuser or be the abuser. It is also known that

Now before any of y’all determined haters try and attack me I am NOT excusing Enji’s actions what I AM saying is that 1. He doesn’t deserve all the blame for Touya’s actions and 2. Doesn’t deserve to be treated as the devil’s reincarnation he’s a human being and he’s changing.

Also please don’t not try to change my mind about Enji by replying with some ridiculous conspiracy theory I see some of y’all doing in tik tok comments

[oohroxyroller]

Part 1- As Im standing at the kitchen sink getting ready to make dinner my husband sneaks up behind me. He grabs me and uses all 225 pounds of his tanned, muscular body to pin me against the counter with enough force to subdue even another big man- more than enough for my needy little ass. He lifts my left arm over my head and begins to drink in the smell of my armpit with long deep breaths like an animal. Little moans escape me as i try to pull away and tell him how dirty/sweaty I am from the gym. He ignores my protests and spins me around and says "I know" and then pins both of my arms over my head and switches to my other armpit. He drinks in my smell for over a minute. He inhales deeper and deeper as he starts to lick my armpit again. He then hits his knees and snatches my shorts and panties down just past my bush and buries his face in it- once again drinking in my smell deeper and deeper with every breath. He looks up at me and groans with satisfaction with how wet and turned on I am by him smelling me like an animal. His hot breath covers me until im finally rewarded with a few quick licks and darts of his tongue. He is now drunk- totally intoxicated by my smell and his desire for me. No longer is he my gentle, caring husband. He is now a fuck crazy animal ready to use his big, thick cock to pound into submission any hole put in front of him. Shooting up to his feet he spins me around and grabs my neck with one big, strong hand. With a stiff arm he marches me down the hall to the the bedroom. Once there, he bends me over the bed and stuffs my face into the mattress. I hear his belt buckle and zipper open. While pulling himself out, i plead with him to be easy with the belt only for him to say "I WAS going to use my hand but thanks for the suggestion". Before I can even register my mistake I hear the slap of his 2" wide buffalo leather belt against my bottom followed by that sharp, familiar sting. He explains to me that im being punished for all my filthy thoughts. He brings the belt down again and again over my squirming ass while telling me he knows what ive been thinking about- the smell and taste of sweat, cocks, and cum. He drops the belt and switches to his hand, giving me 2 good pops before gently sliding his fingers over my lips- he laughs with satisfaction at how wet I am. I'm almost too ashamed to speak but he explains that he is going to ask me questions and if I don't answer honestly and quickly, Ill regret it. He begins caressing my cheeks in small circles. He says "You've been thinking about watching me fuck a man and then joining in so you have two cocks to play with, haven't you?" My heart races as I feel his big hand make my whole cheek sting with one slap. I blurt out "YES!"- admitting that i think about him taking another mans pretty little pink asshole and pinning him down just like he has me pinned now with his forearm across my upper back. I tell him I want to watch him do THIS to a man and really lean into him. I want to watch him stroke his big, beautiful cock and tease another mans asshole with it and rub it between the cheeks from his balls to top over and over. I feel him getting harder behind me. His breathing gets heavier and he is aroused even more by my confession. The spanking stops and he slowly touches me- dipping his fingers deeper and deeper between my lips. Im soaked- im on fire- im aching for him to fill me up. He asks me again what I would want him to do with the other man. I can hear him stroking and feel his breath on my back. I pick up where I left off and tell him I'd want him to tease the other man with his cock and then pull away and then go back and beat his cock against the whole ass and the hole. I'd want him to do this until the other man squirms and begs to be filled up. I imagine my husband leaning over and whispering in his ear "You THINK you want me to fill you up but Im about to show you- and once I start, I dont stop...

[lynnlovesspidahman]

this is me trying.

peter parker x reader

part 2. || part 1.

masterlist.

warnings : angst, mentions of violence, swearing, lots of self-doubt (peter im sorry)

word count : 2.7k

summary : There’s always two sides to a story. An apology is put into place.

Peter felt like he was living three different lives at once.

Each taking so, so much energy every single day.

His job, an assistant for Dr. Octavius at Octavius Industries. He felt guilty for arriving late every day, and still somehow having a job.

Peter was smarter than Doc, they both knew that. So that meant he would be called to office very, very often.

Usually because of some mistake Doc had made while working on the new prototypes of prosthetic limbs.

But the pressure it brought could get to be too much sometimes. One small mistake could cost millions of lives — or dollars — if not noticed early enough.

But he knew it would help the world someday, in so many ways. The exhaustion was totally worth it.

Spider-Man. Peter had loved and genuinely enjoyed playing his alter-ego.

Constantly, day and night, he was out. Out saving people everywhere. Sure, his work wasn’t appreciated by everyone but it was 100% worth it — to him.

But Spider-Man came with considerable costs. His everlasting lack of sleep. Peter can’t remember the last time he really got his 8 hours. The bags under his eyes made that apparent enough.

The physicality of the job, how many times had he stopped a car with his bare hands? He lost count years ago.

The bruises, cuts, broken limbs, brought immense pain, even to Spider-Man. Sure, he can heal faster — a nights rest, a heating pad, and your some soup is more than enough — But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

And the emotional weight it brought.

The crimes haven’t slowed, if anything they’ve gotten much more prominent all around the city.

The overwhelming amount of times he has to swing across New York to fight off large groups of thugs has become too much.

And honestly, he’s so sick of it.

And so, Peter stopped pulling his punches as much.

The guilt didn’t come until later.

He climbed through your apartment’s window after a long, long night of patrol.

You were sitting there — unaware of his presence— watching TV, all cuddled up on the corner of the couch with your mini Spidey plush.

“Hey, beautiful.” He called out to you.

“Holy shit-” You jumped and turned around to look at him. “You can’t just pop out of nowhere like that, you scared the hell out of me.”

You got up and walked towards him, “Was patrol okay?”

“Uh, yeah it was alright, kicked my ass tonight though. I’m worn out,” He stretched his arms above his head.

“Hm. Why?” You raised an eyebrow at him.

“Uhm, I mean I fought bad guys all night?” He scoffed, a stupid question, he thought.

“Or was it because you practically killed someone tonight?” You bluntly said.

You had taken a step away from him, like he was a danger to you too.

“They were a criminal!” He shrugged.

“Why does that matter? You can’t just completely take someone’s life away. That’s not who you are. Before you say you didn’t, you came real close to.” You stood your position.

It felt like you shot him straight in the heart.

He should’ve listened to you. But instead, he took a shot right back at you, a shot to kill.

“Again, they’re criminals. I’m sorry I had to calm things down somehow. I’m sorry I needed to do something to catch a break for once in my damn life. And you’re not exactly helping that.” He looked away from you. He felt ashamed.

You were right, he knew that, even then. But his pride couldn’t let him admit it.

“What is wrong with you? You love Spider-Man. And you always talk about how killing sickens you. You’ve changed, Peter.” You spat back at him.

He should’ve just ended it there, stopped the excessive violence, stopped the fight. Maybe then he wouldn’t have been in your kitchen on that faithful Tuesday.

It had been two days since that argument.

His almost perfect rep was officially ruined (Jameson had a field trip that day, too). The stress was at an all-time high.

He almost couldn’t handle it. He didn’t want to anymore.

He was still so angry at you for being right. Because you always were.

You were the one who kept him balanced, who took care of him no matter the time of day or night.

He hadn’t been back to your apartment since the fight, either.

But he would return to it after a tough night the day after. And the next.

And you forgave him, so fast (He took you to see the Barbie movie, paid for every snack and drink you could’ve wanted. It was indisputable on your end). The guilt from what Peter’s put you through has just stacked on and on.

Now he really couldn’t handle it anymore. 

And so, there he was. Sat atop a random rooftop rethinking everything.

He debated his life. His three lives, more like. Which parts were worth it, and which weren’t. (It was really fucked up, who measures parts of their life in worth and just decides which to throw away?)

He couldn’t lose his job, how would he make money?

He couldn’t stop being Spider-Man, he knew that.

And there was you. The biggest and undoubtedly the most important part.

But you were also easy to throw away, he thought.

So much stress and time would be lifted off of his shoulders.

(Little did he know, it would be the complete opposite. His injuries didn’t heal all the way like they did when you took care of him. Every time he was hurt, it would linger for days at a time. He missed how much you’d worried for him. He really took you for granted.)

And so, he decided in the next couple of weeks, he would break it off.

And he did. On the Tuesday the following week.

He looks back on it — to this day — and realized everything he had said to you that evening, wasn’t directed at you. It was directed at himself.

Of course he enjoyed loving you. He didn’t enjoy being himself was what.

He needed to be his best for you because he couldn’t be with anything else. He failed at being the friendly and reliable Spider-man. Him and Doc didn’t get the grant they’d been needing for so long.

And when he did try to improve when you called him out that night, it just wasn’t enough.

He didn’t deserve you.

He took everything out on you, he didn’t mean a word he said. But you didn’t know that.

Peter never had an outlet to take anything out. He couldn’t leave you with every burden of his life, Doc and him weren’t that close, and May couldn’t know he was Spider-Man.

He snapped that Tuesday.

And there’s nothing more that he regrets in his entire life.

But he couldn’t burden you anymore. He wouldn’t.

He did nothing but keep you up late at night, hurt your feelings, and make you do everything for him.

Peter loved you. And he couldn’t let himself torture you like this.

So he forced himself to let you go. You would move on, anyways. He couldn’t.

He listened to every single one of the voicemails you sent.

Every. Single. One. He’s never heard you sound so down (Because of him, nonetheless).

It took so much out of him to not respond. More than what he had to give.

And after five weeks, he finally caved.

He texted you.

9:52 PM

Hey, beautiful.

You wouldn’t forgive him quick this time, he knew that. This time wasn’t just some fight. He tore your heart apart.

But he would work for your forgiveness, he swore to himself, God as his witness.

You read the message immediately. He knew you had gotten off of work, so it wasn’t completely abnormal.

But you didn’t respond. He checked his phone all night and the next morning (He was desperate for something, even if it was an angry text. He hated nothing more than you ignoring him).

So he texted you again. He just went straight for it this time, no holding back anymore.

1:16 PM

Can we meet up?? I think we can agree there’s still some loose ends we need to revisit, together.

Read 1:18 PM

He was patient this time. He tried stepping in your shoes, and it broke his heart. He couldn’t imagine you snapping on him like he had.

He couldn’t live if you were angry at him like he was at you. And if you weren’t going to respond again he was debating on just showing up to your apartment. Can’t ignore him that way.

2:12 PM

Y/N 💞 : “Loose ends” is a funny term. You mean when you randomly showed up to my apartment and broke up with me for the stupidest reason?

He cringed. This was a dumb decision.

2:12 PM

I know, trust me. I just want to talk. And explain myself.

Explain my biggest mistake. I’ve never regretted anything more than leaving you and taking the anger at myself onto you.

He debated on sending the message, but he didn’t.

You would just see it as him trying kiss your ass into forgiving him. It worked before.

2:14 PM

Y/N 💞 : Peter, why? Why are you only just know texting me? Why are you trying to meet up when you tore my heart into pieces? Why are you seeking forgiveness randomly?

Why are you asking such hard questions, he wanted to ask.

2:14 PM

Idk, I miss you?

I miss you and still love you. I regret that night so much.

Can you just hear me out? Please?

Nothing sounded right. But he just went for it, again. At this point, he was pacing across his rooftop, anxious for your response (If you even gave him one).

2:15 PM

Y/N 💞 : Peter, I swear. If you make me regret this, I’ll come for you. Worse than any enemy you’ve ever faced and ever will.

He laughed at that one. You wouldn’t —right?—

2:15 PM

I won’t, Y/N. I promise. Tomorrow, Micks at 3?

Read 2:16 PM

You left him on read, but he counted that as a success — you didn’t refuse his offer so.. —

He would come back from this. He has to.

Peter was late. Fuck him.

Why did you even give him your time of day anymore? This man could tear you apart and you still gave into his words.

3:13 PM

Peter 🕸️ : Babt, I’mso sotry. I got caugjt up with worl, I’m bloxks away I sqaer.

You could barely understand him, but you were used to his usually proper grammar slipping while he was swinging.

How dare he? How dare he beg you to come out here and he gets to show up late??

He practically busted the restaurant’s door open. He rushed to your table.

“Baby I-”

“No,” You interrupted. “You don’t get to call me that. Fuck you, asshole. You ask me to meet you and you show up late? Are you kidding me?” You crossed your arms and stood up from the booth you were sitting at.

“Y/N, I’m so, so sorry. I got caught up with Doc at work. Huuge internal wiring problem. I don’t even understand how he could’ve messed it up so badly,” He talked with his hands, he was so cute when he did that.

You took a step towards him, and slapped the shit out of his stupidly attractive face.

“You don’t get to break me and show up late when you wanted me here.” The tears were back. You were livid. You shoved your finger into his face as you scolded him.

“I know, I know. I keep fucking up and I’m sorry. Lets just sit down and let me explain everything. I promise you, it’s worth it.” He put his hands on both of your shoulders to keep you from leaving and tried to calm you down.

“Hands off,” You pulled his hands away from your shoulder and slumped back into the booth.

You wanted to go home.

“Okay, okay.” He sat down and stared at you.

“Well?” You waited, “Let’s hear this explanation,” You rolled your eyes.

“Well, uh-” He paused for a moment, “I don’t know how to start.”

You waited for him to continue, arms still crossed. You really didn’t want to hear him out.

“Do you remember when I almost beat the life outta that guy? Like a month ago or something?” He asked.

“Yeah.” You rolled your eyes again, not exactly a good moment to bring up.

“I feel like that’s where it started,”

“Mhm..” You nodded for him to keep going.

“I started slipping. I stopped pulling my punches and I was so stressed out every moment of my life. A-and one day I just got so sick of it,” He started choking up, you almost felt bad for him.

“So I sat down and tried to organize my life. I wanted to rid myself of stress and try to free up time for myself in order to y’know, rejuvenate.”

You sat there, you were expecting plain excuses. But it seemed he had something real going here.

“I couldn’t rid myself of my job — how else would I be able to live? — and obviously Spider-Man isn’t a choice. And there came you. The best and biggest part of my life.”

You raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to continue.

“I was stupid, I thought that by taking a break, I’d feel more free. And feel more.. well less stressed out. If I had something to myself then I would be better and feel okay? I don’t know.”

You narrowed your eyes at him.

“Don’t look at me like that, please. I was so overwhelmed with everything. I’ve been so behind on rent, and crime just never stops around here. Its like it raises more and more every week.”

“I thought-” He took a deep breath, “I thought that if I had one less chore — trust me you are not a chore to me — life would get easier.”

You’re guessing he tried to rephrase his words he said before, he’s almost repeating himself.

“But it didn’t. At all. I was in pain all the time — emotionally and physically — it didn’t help at all. I said I didn’t enjoy loving you. I lied. I didn’t enjoy loving myself- or being me.”

Your heart clenched for him. He hurt you so bad, but hearing how he truly felt made you slightly reconsider things.

“I didn’t enjoy the stress of my life, and I don’t have any outlet for my anger. And you forgave me so easily the last time we fought. And I guess I took advantage of that. I took all of the hate I had for myself onto you. I think that will forever be my biggest mistake.”

Your eyebrows scrunched.

“I love you. So much, Y/N. More than words can describe. I’ve never regretted anything more in my life and I can’t ever be away from you, again.”

“I broke it off thinking it would cause me less stress, but I understand now that it was you who took the pressure away. Being away from you, Y/N,” He laughed (At his own pain, seemingly). “I’ve never felt shittier in my life.”

Your tears flowed. Your expectations were well exceeded. He’s fucked up so much, but he makes up for it every time. And this time, it wasn’t done by kissing your ass and spoiling you, you recognized that.

“I can’t explain how sorry I am. I regret what I did to you that night so much. More than anything in the world. I just hope you can understand that.”

“I hope you can understand me.” He kept eye contact, his eyes were watery. “I know how complicated I can get,” He let out a breathy laugh.

“Pete.” You just about whispered his name.

“Yeah..?” He wiped his eyes on his sleeve before answering you.

“I forgive you.” You smiled, still crying from his well thought out (you had to give him credit) apology.

“Wait- Really?”

“Yeah. I do.”

He stood up and hugged you from across the table.

“But..”

“But..?” He repeated you, curiously. He let go of the hug to look you in the eyes.

“You’re gonna have to pay for the meal if you really want me back.”

He laughed.

“I love you.”

He grabbed your cheeks and pulled you in for a kiss. He’s never kissed you so hard.

Stunned, but pleasantly surprised, you sat there for a moment. Unsure of whether you should kiss him or not.

But you grabbed his collar and melted into the kiss.

No matter how hard he had broken you, his words brought you back to him.

And you wouldn’t regret it, you knew that.

part 2 is finished 🥹

just wanna explain a few things just in case:

peter is a lil ooc w the excessive violence and it’s not him to be like that but i feel like every body gets to that point where everything can be just too much. even spider-man.

i also feel like he needs a healthy outlet for his feelings, being spiderman, he’s constantly busy. not exactly easy to make friends. but also being spiderman, he doesn’t wanna leave y/n with all of his problems, he’s supposed to be the hero. so he bottles it all up. to the point where he just burst one day and took it out on her. (not good!!)

also i felt like him being a man, he’s going to feel insecure if y/n’s the one taking care of him all the time. he’s the man, it’s supposed to be the other way around, but it’s not. and that’s okay!! often times, old traditions still lies deep within all of us. men’s mental health matters too!! men can still feel insecure!! EVERYONE DOES. but that doesn’t mean we (as people) can take out our insecurities or anger at ourselves onto other people. most times, they don’t deserve the hate we bring onto ourselves.

that being said, not everyone can be perfect. (peter is a great example) we’re all going through something in life and are constantly being tested. but, the biggest thing is to always persevere no matter what. you’re never going to have more on your plate than you can handle. if you’re struggling, always remember to reach out to someone. a loved one, a professional, or even me. my dms are always open. i love you all. 🩷

anyways,

likes, reblogs, and comments are always appreciated!!

i hope you all enjoyed this story as much as i liked writing it 💗💗

[cameronsbabydoll]

“Hello everybody- I know this’ll be a lot but i really hope you read until the end :)

So, i suffer from did/Dissociative identity disorder. For a short summary: I have different personalities that are called alters. This causes me to have did episodes where an alter takes front/is the one controlling everything. This causes amnesia, dissociation, depression etc. Each alter has different beliefs, personalities, hobbies, handwriting etc.

If you get what i’m saying- I’ve been having an episode. Where my alter ‘Kira’ was fronting. The difference between me and her is that she’s a drama queen, uncaring and narcissistic. She has a habit of starting stuff. She’s upset because i’ve been trying to set boundaries with her.

I don’t know exactly everything that has happened since April 22nd but i have a general idea, and i just want to say- sorry to all of those involved. I didn’t expect for this to happen just by trying to set boundaries with her. I want to apologize for everything that has happened and anything that was said on behalf of Kira

Now a question i imagine most people will have is “Why haven’t you told anyone about your did?” Well, because i must admit i’m still in a way ashamed of it. I’m afraid of coming off as crazy, people looking down on me or people treating me like i’m not an adult. I felt like to be respected and taken properly in the fandoms i’m in i would need to hide it.

With that also being said, i am going to be off tumblr for a while. I’ll occasionally check in but posting will halt for quite a while. I don’t feel comfortable being on here until the boundaries are set with Kira and i, and there is better communication between us. Not only that but Kira didn’t leave any day recaps, so i need to try and catch up on almost two weeks of my life. I’m not comfortable taking this risk again, especially if it can result in people being ran out of the fandom, hated on and so on, so i hope you can understand. Especially those of you who are still waiting for your 1k reqs.

I might try and reach out to those Kira had a problem or trouble with, but i’m not too up to date on everything and for right now tumblr is not my concern as much as my real world life is. You can feel free to message me if you like but i will most likely take quite a bit to respond.

I could be gone for a couple weeks or even month(s) depending on how smooth things go, but i’m planning to wait for about a month and a half-two months since i’m planning on getting professional help.

I’ll be willing to answer questions from people who are/used to be my mutuals about my did but i don’t feel too comfortable answering a whole bunch or ones that are too personal.

And again, i’m so sorry about all that’s happened and it would be greatly appreciated if someone could send me a short recap of all the important stuff from what’s happened the past almost two weeks either in messages or an ask 💞 Sorry again to those who have sent requests.”

that was her first post and looking back, idek if she actually knows or remembers about the zionist stuff since apparently she only remembered April 22nd to when she fronted. she also had a note but kiras handwriting is shit and i struggled to read it

and messages don’t work for me idk why sorry

oh mb. okay i’m gonna read this over after i finish the fic im writting

[atlasecrets]

i miss the comfort you used to provide. i miss being held, i miss being listened to, i miss your laugh, I miss your cats, I miss your mom, I miss how gentle you were, I miss when you were cautious, when you were caring, when you paid attention. but I don't miss how we let lust ruin us. it was almost beautiful before. it could have been great. but I fear deep down it wasn't even lust's fault. maybe deep down I knew you'd always revert to... how you always were. it was cruel of you to try so hard to convince me to fall in love with a facade. i don't miss how you'd admit you cared more about the sexual stuff than the feelings part. i never understood the logic, but I understand now that you have no reason to refuse a nude or ignore a dirty text, but you'd have every reason to ignore my already broken heart, so fragile, holding on to a thread that was getting thinner by the day. what other reason would there be, other than that my feelings were an inconvenience to you, whereas seeing my body wasn't. I'm pretty sure you've seen my body more times than you've listened to my feelings. you've seen my body more times than I've seen flowers or cute gestures or little trinkets that could remind you of me.

all I got out of it was a half empty pack of napkins that I used to wipe off my tears in the airport. I used the last napkin a week ago, wiping my tears because you left, again. our story always seems to be about leaving and being left. I carried that dumb pack of napkins in my bag everyday to uni. as small as it was. is there a metaphor there, in you leaving me with something so temporary, letting me hang onto words and promises, while what I left you was solid? Did you move the basket from your room so that you won't be reminded of me everytime you wake up? our relationship was always this, me giving myself away for real, for you, in a way that was so palpable, meanwhile I was grasping onto straws, perpetually waiting until your words would come to life. everytime you let me down, I'm less surprised that they never come to life.

I get so unbearably lonely at night that I can't stand living. my favorite part of the day is sleeping, because I feel no pain. I don't remember anything, there's no responsibilities on either side of my being. just the comfort of nothingness. it reminds me of us. the comfort of knowing you can't remain in that state forever, but enjoying the numbness nonetheless. because it makes u forget that the world can be so cruel. sometimes I accept the pain of knowing I deserve better, and yet better never comes. realizing so suddenly that I was in the same place I was in a year ago, feeling the exact same pain caused by the exact same person in the exact same place made me feel so fucking powerless and worthless. from a rational perspective, I am at peace knowing that I don't have to deal with the fact that I'd be settling for something less than I deserve all my life. why is it then that everytime you leave you take away my spark too? why am I so unhappy without you and yet never satisfied when you're here? did I make you up inside my head? did I fall for your lie, your facade? I'm glad I won't have to feel ashamed when presenting my partner to my parents. im glad I won't have to overthink and plan and overwork myself all alone because you'd be too lazy to, or too inconsiderate to think about my needs. I'm glad I chose to be alone than to be in a space where I'm constantly proving I have low self worth.

but I am angry because this ghost you planted in my head won't leave. I'm scared I will forever tell myself "what if he was better?" "What if he tried more?" "What if, eventually, he would have done everything he couldn't do in years of being together?" But then I remember how foolish it all sounds. If the threat of my absence is the only thing spurring you into action, I actually don't need anything from you ever again. I can do all these things for myself. I don't need you to write me love letters, or make me playlists, or watch my shows when you're alone, or read the stuff I write and guess that maybe some little part of it is for you. I don't need you to decode my being, I don't need you to put yourself in my shoes, listen to my favorite songs, dig into my past and jump into my future. I don't need you to tell me you're proud of me or how much you appreciate my presence. I don't need you to plan and initiate cute hangouts, or take me to dates, or make picnics, or surprise me with something I mentioned I liked once a year ago. I don't need you to heal my inner child and prove that men can be safe and protective, not just selfish and destructive. I don't need your stupid presents or flowers, I don't need your compliments, I don't need your validation or you lusting over my body. I don't need you to call me beautiful and mean it. I don't need you to only have eyes for me and believe it is the same. Believe that since I saw you I find any other man interacting with me repulsive because there's a statue in my mind in your shape and nobody can fill it. I paint flowers and the most colorful shapes on it and try to forget that it is nothing but cold marble. But you remind me everytime. Am I coloring in the blank spaces because you can't fill that space either? Was I foolish all this time to believe you could actually put in the effort? I am a mess and in the worst burnout of my life and I have an exam tomorrow and I'm so fucking scared and all I want is this cracked marble to hug me back, to feel its warmth. Maybe for me, just for me, it could grow warm. It could glow pink with all the blood flowing underneath. I miss you but I don't miss you. we were always loving on borrowed time.

[stilldrinking]

May 7, 2025

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here, although I’ve thought about coming back for years. Seeing my first & only post definitely brought up some memories that are much easier to brush off these days.

So much has happened since then. Almost 6 years ago now. 2 terrible boyfriends, so many meaningless hookups, failed friendships & situationships, addiction, loss, so much loss, a global pandemic, moving states twice. Where do I even begin?

I miss my best friend. I’ll embarrassingly admit I sent her a loving dm drunkenly a while ago & quickly deleted it the next morning. I wonder if she saw it. I truly miss her & our times together. She was the best girl friend I’ve ever had outside of my family. If things hadn’t gone down the way they did, if we were both better friends, she would probably be my maid of honor one day. I want her to know I miss her & I will always love her & I hope wherever she is, whatever she’s doing, she’s happy. She is a beautiful girl in every way. I still think about her on her birthday. I wish I was a better friend & I wish we were still friends.

The boy I lost my virginity to came back into my life early 2020 before Covid. What a mistake that was. It was all so fast. I basically lived with him & we had nothing to do besides hang out, drink, do drugs, have sex. We talked about moving out of California. His crazy ex though, man. It’s not that she ruined everything. She probably didn’t ruin anything that wasn’t meant to be. Me & him were not meant to be. I don’t know what it’s always been about him that just does it for me. It wasn’t the whole “losing our virginity” to each other thing either, I liked him so much before then. When I had him again, we would talk about the future: kids, building a village on a plot of land, etc. & I would picture it, but I knew it wasn’t it for me. It might be so shallow to say, but I think it was his height. Im 5’2 on a good day & he was maybe 2 inches taller. & so skinny. Although I knew I didn’t really want him in the long run, our breakup fucked me up for a really long time. Months. I think I just really liked the way he made me feel, & the fun we had together. We didn’t have jobs bc of the pandemic, but we had money from the government & we got to run around like teenagers in love in the summertime. It was a really nice fling & if his crazy ex hadn’t harassed me for years after we broke up, I might have fond memories of him. Instead I think about it as one of the worst times for everything they put me through mentally.

I was looking for love & attention in the wrong people for so long. After my breakup in 2019, i regrettably slept with so many boys that didn’t deserve my time or my body. Since I’m in a relationship now, when I think back to my past, I get so embarrassed & I feel shame. But I know that’s wrong, I shouldn’t slut shame myself. & you know what, my past makes me who I am. Everything I’ve done has lead me to the perfect place I am now. For that, I am not ashamed or embarrassed.

It did lead me to spiral so much that I got kicked out of my dad’s house. I stayed on family members couches until my old nanny family offered me a room in their house in Portland. Pandemic closed the girls schools & they had to have class on iPads at home. The parents were still working, so they needed me to help the girls during class, make breakfasts & lunches, get them dressed, all that kind of stuff. That family is great & I am so appreciative for them taking me in. I’m sure they see it as hiring me for help, but it truly meant a lot to me during that time. It was a hard year, I do remember. But now 4 years from then, I look back & I really only remember the good things. I gained more family from them.

2022 was the worst year. My poor father had a stroke & it turned everyone’s life upside down. My little sister moved away. I spiraled. Got another dui, nearly lost my car, went to rehab, left rehab, was told I couldn’t come back home so I stayed on my aunts couch. My dad got evicted, I had to rehome my dog. Spiraled more. I was convinced I was gonna start a new life in New Orleans but only made it to Las Vegas to my best friends house. I stayed for 3 weeks before I had to return home for my community service for my 2nd DUI. Got another dui in LA. Stayed with my sister. Started work again at the elementary school. Slept in my car, charged my phone & laptop at the gym after work. Went to my sisters on the weekend. I was so lost and hopeless. I was longing to go home but I didn’t have a home. I hadn’t had one in years. Got another DUI & this time my car was done for. I wanted to die. How could I have messed up this bad. I ruined my life. It’s still ruined. But what’s done is done. I stayed with my sister. I turned my life around. Kind of.

I got 2 jobs on the same day. Coffee shop in the morning, retail in the afternoon. I’ve never made so much money. But I was tired. 16 hour days. Always on my feet. They always hurt. But I had to save. I had to get a car & move in finally with my best friend in another state. He had made the move in August 2023. By May 2024 I had saved up enough money & for a car & my journey began. Stopping in Northern California to see my dad, step mom & little sister. Then to southern Oregon to see my sister. Then to Portland. To my new home.

We partied. He had just been laid off from his job & I just arrived so we partied. Every day. So many shrooms. Always drinking. & then I was running out of money so I started looking for a job. It’s hard finding work as a felon. But I did eventually. Not great money but it was routine & I got to talk to people.

I guess it was kind of inevitable, with having a boy best friend & all the partying… I told him “just don’t fall in love with me.” He said he wouldn’t. Recently he told me that he did after the first time we had sex. I didn’t let myself fall in love with him because I wanted to keep him as a friend more than anything. I didn’t want things to change between us, & at this point, I had kind of given up on men/being in a relationship. But things did change after we had sex. A lot. We did fall in love with each other. He got me roses & asked me to be his girlfriend. No ones ever done that before. Life feels safe with him. He goes to work, pays for everything (since my transmission went out & I had to quit my job), & in return I make him breakfast, lunch & dinner, & do all the household chores.

We have a wonderful life together. We go on adventures, we have 3 beautiful kitties, we talk about having kids all the time. This time when we talk about the future, kids, our house, I can actually picture him there. I think this is it. I finally feel appreciated & loved in a relationship. We’ve been friends since 2012, I just wish we had seen it sooner. I wonder how much different our lives could have been. Whatever though, at least we see it now. He showers me with love every day. He works hard, so that I don’t have to. I want to give him the world. I want to give him babies. I want to give him everything he deserves. I’m so fortunate to have him now. I hope this is how we always feel about each other. We may have little fights about stupid things, but i don’t have to worry about him cheating on me, leaving, finding someone better. He makes my life easy. I feel safe & secure.

I no longer yearn for a home in a house that isn’t mine anymore.

[ghost-of-the-machine]

i know i just said im not ashamed but im SO ASHAMED you have no idea. over what? it

i have this weird mindset where like. if someone gets to know me for one particular things, whether it be a specific fandom or even just DRAWING HUMANS, i feel like i can never ever share my other interests with them cuz.. what if they dont care? i wouldnt blame them i cant make anyone give a shit about what i do but. ITS TERRIFYING TO ME.. so i just avoid it but. its leaving me very.. unfulfilled? like HORRIBLY, ive set aside a lot of my other interests because im . i dont care what strangers think, fuck you suck my dick but. people i know? people im close with? i know why i do it, hes right it feels like a test and tests can go wrong!!!! what if i test the waters and its not received positively? i cant bear the thought of any part of me being unappealing to my loved ones, genuinely it keeps me up at night fearing that some small thing might just switch it all off overnight its the worst thing ever.

i know its not healthy to just... shove myself into this little box but in my head, thats why they want! in my head its a good thing, i need to keep myself presentable and perfect, as perfect as someone like me can get anyways

maybe thats why i feel like i dont exist without them? ive literally pushed away anything i think they WONT like or even wont care about, ive just.. dropped it all. fear, it just comes from fear, but whew!!!!! exhausting

im not proud of this, i wish that changing myself to fit what i THINK someone wants wouldnt come so naturally to me but it does, i wish my brain worked differently

i just. i need to LOOK OUT for myself. the worst pain i can experience is rejection, its amplified 10000% it feels like. i know ive said before id rather relive all my trauma than feel rejected at all, and thats still TRUE i cant handle it.. as unfortunate as it is, bpd just makes me sensitive. theres like no other way to word it, i am SENSITIVE my skin is fragile its made of glass, i cant take criticism even if its GOOD because it hurts me to think that something i did wasnt good enough, it makes me sick actually!! i need to protect myself, i need to hide the parts of me that could be damaged like that but.. hiding parts of yrself doesnt feel good, does it? im scared of that pain, i dont want to face it.. but it doesnt feel nice to lose myself cuz i think its what someone would want

in my head this is how it goes, i do something, its received poorly (rejected), ouch!!! first of all. second of all, rejection cracks my image, it opens me up to the possibility of being left behind. bpd is all about black and white thinking. the good is the best and the bad is the WORST. it feels shameful to admit how my brain works but it . its true, its the truth. if someone doesnt like something about me, even if its SMALL and they dont actually care, in my head it means they basically dont like me, they must hate me! they must hate me and theyre probably gonna leave me since theyre so disgusted with me for.. what? being a furry? yes!!!!!!!!!! it goes from 0-100 so fast, its scary

but.. i really DONT feel like i exist without them. if im not talking with them about our things, im working on my things they know and like alright im never really doing anything else anymore.. like. why am i so ashamed to just... be a human with interests? im scared, scared the smallest thing will just... take it all away from me, yknow? as much as id LOVE to ramble about my ocs and stuff that ive never really talked about, that shame persists. its too strong, i end up just deleting the post or hiding it in drafts, i cant bring myself to share because im scared

i know its really dumb but. its what we're working with rn!!!! mild disinterest = rejection = abandonment, what a vicious cycle!!! i get it now guys omg.... all the bpd girlies who mirror, i know i mirror too but i never really like. GOT IT until now, i mirror cuz im afraid to be something they wont like!!!! it is all so clear to me now. doesnt make it better but whatever. maybe ill be brave one day, but idk

[emberlynnrayne]

12-8-23

Sometimes I still miss you.

You were my best friend. I loved you with everything I had. I put everything in me into us, until there was nothing left.

I don't know how I feel about you these days. Often, I hate you. Usually, I feel sad about it all.

I don't have much forgiveness for myself for it all, yet.

Folks would argue I shouldn't feel guilty. But I do.

I can't decide how I feel about you. I still yearn for your health and well-being. I still want the best for you, and I'd love to see enough growth in you that we could give our child the best case scenario as a child of divorce.

I'm so confused by the way you hate me so viciously. I've tried to be my best to be good and fair since I left, though I freely admit I was an absolute wreck of a dumpster fire in a hurricane at first. I didn't want to hurt you. I know you were hurt anyway. I know some of that was me, and some of that was you.

I miss who you were once the most.

I hope you find happiness. So deeply, I do.

Somewhere along the way, I think it just became easier for you not to try to be happy. You were so miserable all the time. And I couldn't keep swimming.

Everything from the first few months after I left is still a blur. Sometimes I wish we had been able to work it out. Pandoras life would've been so much easier.

But then I feel myself. I am better now than I was before.

As a person, I am better in every way. Im not blaming you. I was codependent as fuck, and didn't realize how unhealthy I was, too. But I've been working on myself, working with a therapist, and my support group. I am actively putting in the work to be a better, happier person. It's been a lot of external work and a lot of internal work.

And I can't imagine going back to that.

You'd be so hurt in reading this. You already think I didn't love you. That I was unhappy because of our finances. That I was bored, or unattracted to you, or whatever.

I left because I couldn't stay so miserable and small anymore. You didn't want joy. You didn't want growth. Or maybe you did but I needed too much. More than you could do.

I am ashamed of how often I wanted to give up the fight on the damn toe and cut it off and take a true 2 months to heal versus fighting that fight for years. Years. Now it's worse than ever. I can't help but wonder if we'd let it go if it'd be okay. But no, I know there are many reasons to keep it, not the least of which is that it's a piece of your body and parting with it is no easy thing. I don't blame you for fighting. I kept fighting, too. I genuinely just wanted you to heal. I thought if you could heal, we could be happy again.

But every time we came close, you pulled some selfish, bullheaded, stubborn bullshit. Bullshit that put us right back at square one, or three steps back from that. And you stopped being nice to me. Again.

I was seeing the pattern. A lifetime with someone who would be fighting these battles and treating me like little more than mud on the battlefield while he waged that war.

The longer I'm away the more I feel like you were just a bully. Honestly. Always meaner than you were kind.

That's not entirely true. You had good phases, too. They were sporadic, unpredictable, and there was no telling what would come after.

That's not to say I think I was perfect or something. The longer we went on, the less I was myself. Before I got pregnant, I remember spending entire days staring at one spot while you were out. Just. Empty. Not moving for anything. Just. A robot on standby. In the end, I was sensitive and snappy and tired and deeply, dangerously, depressed.

I Lived for our good times. They were there. They weren't uncommon until the last few years. And by the end, I was just. Broken.

It felt like you gave up. Like you were going through the motions of fighting, but your heart wasn't in it. I couldn't do anything to help or bring hope.

You didn't want to talk and hope and plan for a better future, either. I was stuck every single day in that war. Stuck to the bottom of your boots as you listlessly tossed grenade after grenade. A bone grinding weariness ate away at me.

There wasn't enough good anymore. Not enough for the price of the good times.

Still, I kept trying. I kept putting everything in me into Us. And you just got meaner. More abusive. I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't. I saw the bars around me, I saw the path ahead, I saw my heart break.

I mourned our marriage before I left. I didn't know I'd be leaving when I did, but I knew if it didn't change dramatically, then there'd be no other direction in which I could survive.

I tried to talk to you. I tried to work on us. I tried to fix us before we became irreparable.

And then you threatened to have the cops take Pandora from me. For taking her into the store with me. You killed us in that moment. As dead as if you had hit me. I didn't see the scope of it, then, but I knew in that moment that there would be no real fixing Us. Not without professional intervention.

I don't know. Everything happened so fast, I never got to process. I was scrambling to find a foothold, dangling over the edge of failure. I could fail at everything else, but I could not fail as a mother. She took full priority. I had to build a life that she could thrive in, out of dust and cobwebs and a few sturdy beams.

I hope you heal. I hope you find happiness again. I hope we can be our best selves, for ourselves, and for Bear.